Testors v. Super Glue

Dear readers, you may have noted my mention of Super Glue or lack thereof. I have been known to complain about Testors Cement for Plastic Models. For the benefit of posterity, I will explain myself.

For the record, I prefer Super Glue, or really any cyanoacrylate adhesive. I have many reasons for my preference of Super Glue over Testors. I will now proceed to explain all of them in chilling detail. Some of these reasons will be petty. So be it.

I'm sure Testors Cement for Plastic Models (hereafter 'Testors') is a fine substance for people with actual skill in modeling. I am not numbered among those people. Under certain rare conditions, I can successfully use Testors. Mainly, this comes down to what I think of as my 'twitch factor'. To say that my hands are unsteady is an understatement. Suffice to say that if you are in need of stitches and I am the only person available to do the deed, you should seriously consider running away and bleeding to death. Sometimes my twitch factor is only 'shaky', but more often it is in the range of 'modeling disaster'.

Next, as Agent Smith would say, it's the smell! The instructions, which I have read completely, do strongly suggest working in a well ventilated area. Even so, whenever I use the stuff, I can feel those wretched 'cement' molecules cozening up to my brain cells to deprive them of any cognitive function. Like many people, I enjoy the sweet, sweet aroma of hydrocarbons wafting through the air. However, I also treasure my brain cells (I keep them locked safely in my skull). I'm sure there's some evolutionary reason why we like this smell. I'm also sure that we wouldn't exist as a species capable of playing Warhammer if Homo Erectus had spent any significant portion of his time huffing glue.

Next! Super Glue works on both plastic and metal models. Indeed, in the case of the Hive Tyrant, it can work its magic on both at once! That one was easy.

Also, Super Glue can be undone. Some may say this is not a benefit. Some are fools. What it comes down to is this. Testors actually melts the plastic of the two pieces together. That's awesome! Except when one's spastic fingers get glue all over the model. This has the effect of melting one's finger prints into the model. Maybe there are some biomorphs that can be represented by finger prints, but in general this is not desirable.

Finally. Testors Cement for Plastic Models. Cement. Really? The most widely recognized identifier of true cement is the ability to write one's initials in it while wet. I challenge you to write your initials in a puddle of wet Testors. Not cement! The very lying name of their product offends me.

P.S. Certain strict punctionalists may have been offended by the lack of apostrophe in Testors. I share this sentiment, but there is a very good Reason for it! I too wanted to add an apostrophe (e.g. Testor's) to indicate the possessive. But then I looked at my tube of 'cement'. It lacked an apostrophe. Many people would have left it at a that. As it turns out, I am not many people. As such, I went to the Testor Corporation web site. Even with the ultimate power of direct control over the print on their 'cement' tubes and their web site, the Testor Corporation does not include an apostrophe.

For whatever reason, Testors hates the English language and its rules of punctuation. This is outside my control, and so I must write 'Testors', though it galls me, in order to avoid confusing my readers.

P.P.S. Note to time travelers. Please do not leave tubes of Testors near any Homo Erectus you may encounter.